How To Cook Up a Hero
I thought I’d bring a little whimsy into the day with this faux cookbook, full of recipes to help a reluctant wizard mentor get his hero into ship-shape before the end of the world.
This is inspired by my soon-to-be-released debut novel, Hero Adjacent, about a crotchety old wizard and his armadillo-ish animal companion as they recruit some misfit Chosen One(s) and (try to) save the world.
Even wizards need a little guidance from time to time, which is why the Academy for High Wizardry has produced this helpful little how-to, presented as a cookbook for every hero-mentor-villain scenario! Get your aprons on and let’s spice up the hero’s journey (Whilst stringently following the rules. We don’t want you ending up as an eternal bust in the Halls of Disgrace).
For those who don’t like my handwriting (Rude! I studied at the Arcane Grammar Institute for 143 years!), here’s a summary of each page in what the hip young wizards are calling “thaumatyping”.
The following typed material was transcribed by Bernard the Brave [self-named], Wizard of the First Degree at the Academy for High Wizardry and Executive Administrative Assistant to Headmistress Coraline. Please do not copy the following notes under threat of dragon fire.
Selecting Your Hero
Difficulty: 1/5 stars
Recipe: This recipe is soooo easy! As a mentor, the Academy Board will roll the Runes of Destiny and determine your Chosen One for you!
Important Notes: So Say the Runes!
Time: Approx. 1 hour
Ingredients:
5 Runes of Destiny
1 tbsp Complacency
2 cups Bureaucracy
2/3 cup Desperation
1 Ballpoint Pen
1 Wrist Brace (2 if you’re ambidexterous!)
Instructions: The ballpoint pen and wrist brace are essential in this process. Remember, you’ll be signing a lot of waivers! But don’t worry, the Academy does all it can to ensure you don’t die from falling off a tower or getting eaten by a dragon.1
Training Montage
Difficulty: 3/5 stars
Recipe: You’ll need to exercise some patience here, but it’s WELL worth it. Give it 3-5 days, and your Chosen One will be a master swordsman and/or sorcerer.
Important Notes: Trust the Process! (And don’t think about it too much)
Time: Max 1 week
Ingredients:
6.8 hours Push-Ups
8,043 Crunches
1 Sword (or Equivalent Weapon)
Dash of Encouragement
1 cup Fatherly Advice (Keep it Professional)
Instructions: Your hero is already “Chosen”. That means they’ve got all it takes to become a smashing success! All you need to do is impart a few wise quotes that your hero can remember you by, should the unthinkable happen.2
Blast from the Past
Difficulty: 5/5 stars
Recipe: Your hero likely has a few skeletons in their closet—perhaps ones they don’t even know about, like a long-lost evil twin! Best to prepare for the worst.
Important Notes: Never Trust a Prophecy That’s Easy to Interpret.
Time: Immediate Action Required
Ingredients:
2 ounces Sympathy
1 crushed Spirit
3 tsp Hope (or Similar)
2 cups Reality
1 Egg White
Instructions: Okay, so your Chosen One just found out who their real father is, or that they have a terrible power! Don’t panic. Just let the news simmer for 45 minutes to an hour, then step in with a hopeful speech about destiny.3
Contact the Academy for High Wizardry if you’re uncertain of how to proceed. The Academy may be contacted via Tea Leaves, Weasel Innards, Arcane Staff, or, in dire circumstances, Pigeon.
Golly, that’s quite the preview! Of course, should you be a tenured mentor at the Academy, you may use your allotted Hero Business stipend to purchase the latest edition of our cookbook. For students interested in learning more, sit down and listen to your professors and quit poking your wands into other people’s books! (That goes for you, too, Wilhelm the Wanker! I know you stole my copy of 666 Hues of Hellion!!)
Glossary
1
See “The Standard Guide for Mentoring the Hopeless Hero” by Borshnav Gigglechuck
2
See “Mentor Cliches: A Handy Handout for Inspiring Speeches” by Pansy Ruppleton
3
See “The Wizard Handbook: 2nd Edition” by Quey-Lorinthrax Zondrin Opli IIX
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